crimefought:

cillianhelps:

• “New Year’s is always the year’s biggest letdown.”
• “So, what are your resolutions?”
• “I swear, if I have to hear ‘Auld Lang Syne’ one more time…”
• “Hey, sorry, it took me forever to find a place where my cell could get a signal… happy new year’s from [location].”
• “What have you accomplished this year?”
• “This year sucked. Good riddance.”
• “Let’s hope this year goes better than the last one…”
• “There’s a party at [name]’s house. You coming?”
• “We’re headed to Times Square to watch the ball drop. You can tag along if you want.”
• “Hey, last year of [politician your character doesn’t like]!”
• “Just think of all the video games and movies that are being released this year…”
• “No champagne for me. Designated driver.”
• “Giving up chocolate for new year’s? I give it a week.”
• “We’ve had a big year.”
• “I plan to hit five parties before midnight.”
• “3… 2… 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!”
• “Want a party hat?”
• “Champagne?”
• “Three biggest moments from this year?”
• “It’s nearly midnight… have you seen my date?”
• “Ah, yes, it’s almost midnight, which no one is going to kiss me at.”
• “This time last year, I was living in a motel. This is definitely an improvement.”
• “I’ve heard ‘Auld Lang Syne’ six times tonight and it’s only 11:30.”
• “And to think, this time last year I was dating you.”
• “I need someone to kiss at midnight. You up to it?”
• “I need your help. I want to kiss [name] at midnight, and I need you to help me make it happen.”
• “It’s New Year’s. Aren’t we supposed to be making out?”
• “Oh, God, my ex is here. Pass the champagne.”
• “Look, I know you’d rather be in bed, but could you at least pretend to be excited?”
• “A toast to my amazing friends, and to the new year!”
• “I should’ve been in bed two hours ago.”
• “Are you sure [name] is up to stay awake until midnight? I mean, s/he’s only [age]…”
• “Psst. Hey. Hey, wake up. It’s midnight. Make your resolutions.”
• “I swear, if next New Year’s, we’re in the same place we are now, shoot me. Just do it. I’m serious. Just shoot me.”
• “I remember when I’d get so excited for New Year’s…”
• “Y'know, New Year’s sort of loses its punch when you stay up until 2 AM every night anyway…”
• “I like to think we grew up this year.”
• “No firecrackers this year. The neighbors complained.”
• “I’m tipsy, covered in streamers, surrounded by hung over people, I have Auld Lang Syne stuck in my head, and I don’t know where my cell phone is. It is New Year’s.”
• “You know, under the circumstances, I think this isn’t such a bad impromptu New Year’s party.”
• “I can’t believe you gave our son/daughter champagne!”
• “Come on, it’s New Year’s Eve, you can’t spend the whole party hiding in the bathroom!”
• “How much longer?”
• “Any good New Year’s specials on?”
• “I’ve had a glass of champagne, I made my resolution, I watched the clock strike midnight. I’m going to bed.”
• “You’re crazy. That place is always a zoo on New Year’s.”
• “Just pick an outfit so we can go. I mean, it’s just a New Year’s party, it’s not a black-tie event.”
• “We should probably get back to the party.”
• “What are you doing out here on the roof? The party’s inside.”
• “Snow on New Year’s! Wish it had bothered to show up for Christmas…”
• “Where’s [name]? S/he’s my ride.”
• “I rented a limo. We are arriving to that party in style.”
• “To 2018. May it not totally fuck us in the ass.”

alannasroleplaymemes:

Send a symbol to have your Muse touch my Muse in a certain way and see how they react!

➟ Pull on their hair/clothing
➡ Smack dat ass
➢Grope them
➣ Slap their hand away
➤ Punch/Slap/Assault them
➥ Rub their back
➧ Massage their shoulders
➨ Put their hand between mine’s legs
➚Tickle them
➙ Pinch them
➛Poke them
➜ Play with mine’s hair
➝ Feel mine’s heartbeat

felicity on christmas eve/christmas day:

littlelovelymemes:

✰  —  —  *  PARKS & RECREATION SENTENCE STARTERS

‘  i tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and i broke everything.  ’
‘  i typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.  ’
‘  there’s only one thing i hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.  ’
‘  don’t be such a baby. i cooked you some bacon for a trail snack.  ’
‘  i really only listen to german death reggae and halloween sound effects records from the 1950s.  ’
‘  whenever she asks me for the latin names of any of our plants, i just give her the names of rappers.  ’
‘  i once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.  ’
‘  i didn’t actually sell my last car, i just forgot where i parked it.  ’
‘  i don’t know who al gore is and at this point i’m too afraid to ask.  ’
‘  when they say 2% milk, i don’t know what they other 98% is.  ’
‘  i’ve only slept nine hours over the past four days so i’m right on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  ’
‘  upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me.  ’
‘  since i am not a rabbit, no, i do not want a salad.  ’
‘  you’re like an angel with no wings.  ’
‘  oh my god you have to stop using the word ‘nipple.’  ’
‘  you’re right, i know. i have to be a grown up… but it’s so hard!  ’
‘  i was reading an encyclopedia and i tripped or ‘fell over’ and hit my head. or ‘brain helmet.’  ’
‘  oh my god, your boobs are dead.  ’
‘  i have a medical condition, alright! it’s called caring too much and it’s incurable!  ’
‘  he put all my records into this rectangle! the songs just play one right after the other! this is an excellent rectangle!  ’
‘  if i keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, i will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.  ’
‘  guys love it when you can show them you’re better than they are at something they love.  ’
‘  jogging is the worst. i mean, i know it keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost?  ’
‘  i have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.  ’
‘  i know this and i love you.  ’
‘  that’s too much responsibility. i gotta find a way out of this.  ’
‘  you are a wonderful person. your friendship means a lot to me and you look very beautiful.  ’
‘  i was kind of getting sick of listening to them talk about their relationship, but then i remembered that alcohol existed.  ’
‘  i got stung once and i’m immune. go ahead and sting me, bees! it does nothing!  ’
‘  i’m not afraid of cops! i have no reason to be. i never break any laws, ever… because i’m deathly afraid of cops.  ’
‘  i’m fine. it’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and i’m always tired.  ’
‘  there will be alcohol there, so i will go as well.  ’
‘  i can’t go because i don’t want to.  ’
‘  i’m just gonna stay angry, i find that relaxes me!  ’
‘  i don’t want to seem overdramatic, but i don’t really care what happens here.  ’
‘  i’m just gonna leave early and go home.  ’
‘  if any of you need anything at all, too bad.  ’
‘  you have never been neutral on anything in your life. you have an opinion on pockets.  ’
‘  dance up on me!  ’
‘  i have an idea, it’s very uncool. it’s not illegal, technically. but it is a dick move.  ’
‘  one time my refrigerator stopped working. i didn’t know what to do. i just moved.  ’
‘  you’re stupid and you’re drunk and you’re stupid.  ’
‘  you don’t even know one thing. i didn’t even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and i didn’t even do it once.  ’
‘  i’m like an elephant, okay? if i walk into a room, it’s like, ‘oh he’s in there.’  ’
‘  bababooey.  ’
‘  mac and cheese pizza?! you’re making that?!  ’
‘  i was dying earlier today. and then i died. now i’m dead.  ’
‘  the only thing i will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!  ’
‘  i don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like 100 years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.  ’
‘  i have been kind of tense lately. just thinking about the new star wars sequel.  ’
‘  it does look sad. kind of. sorry for stepping on you, floor.  ’
‘  if you rearrange the letters of peru, you can spell europe.  ’
‘  you’re as guilty as you are sexy.  ’
‘  this maze is like a maze.  ’
‘  sometimes when i blow my nose, i get a boner. i don’t know why. it just happens.  ’
‘  so i feel like you were mad at me yesterday and i don’t know why so i made a list of everything i did and i’m gonna try not to do any of them again.  ’
‘  no, i’m not crying, okay? i’m allergic to jerks!  ’
‘  i don’t even have time to tell you how wrong you are… actually, it’s going to bug me if i don’t.  ’
‘  with all due respect, you’re a major dick.  ’
‘  the calzones… betrayed me?  ’
‘  who hasn’t had gay thoughts?  ’
‘  do you think a depressed person could make this? no!  ’
‘  i like your energy. what do you say you and i ride go-karts later?  ’
‘  three words: treat. yo. self.  ’
‘  treat yo self. it’s the best day of the year!  ’
‘  i’ll tell you what. here’s the deal. if you get fired, i’ll quit, and we’ll leave together. i’m serious! move to a new city, change our names… burn our fingertips off with acid… swap faces… if we have to.  ’
‘  monsters don’t have souls? uh, have you seen monsters inc?  ’
‘  i make my money the old fashioned way: i got run over by a lexus.  ’
‘  i took this thing called ‘zapvigil’ which apparently is what israeli fighter pilots use to stay awake so… right now it looks like i’m talking to a giant crab. stay away from me crab!  ’
‘  well, you suck at being polite, sir.  ’
‘  at one point, for no reason, i just took off my shoes and held them in my hand.  ’
‘  three, two, one, and my shift’s over… what the fuck is your problem?!  ’
‘  math is worthless in real life. i mean, there’s an app for calculating tips. that’s all you need.  ’
‘  your house isn’t haunted, you’re lonely.  ’
‘  just because i can’t go out with him, someone else can? wow.  ’
‘  oh, this is bad. i should not have done this.  ’
‘  she’s the worst person i’ve ever met. i want to travel the world with her.  ’
‘  no, no, no, no. i’m not lonely. i have me.  ’
‘  i love watching russian traffic accidents on youtube while i play children’s music at the wrong rpm.  ’
‘  god, i am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that.  ’
‘  you beautiful, rule-breaking moth.  ’
‘  you beautiful, naive, sophisticated newborn baby.  ’
‘  you beautiful tropical fish.  ’
‘  hope no one minds if i livetweet this bitch!  ’
‘  i just want to hear the doctor say that he had a fart attack. is that too much to ask?  ’
‘  the only things i like are dogs and sleeping late.  ’
‘  it kind of sucks that i’m super broke and i want to buy you stuff and it’s embarrassing that i can’t.  ’
‘  i don’t want anything. i just want to hang out with you.  ’
‘  you’ve killed my spirit. my spirit’s blood is on your hands.  ’
‘  i hate people.  ’
‘  you can see the stars, which i hate. they’re creepy.  ’
‘  i will kill you slowly with a giant syringe.  ’
‘  what? i love garbage.  ’
‘  i only tell the truth when it makes me sound like i’m lying.  ’
‘  i want to be burned at the stake.  ’
‘  i’m going to murder you a thousand times.  ’
‘  people who buy things are suckers.  ’
‘  this is 100% certified for realskis.  ’
‘  well, if there’s anyone who can bring my parents together, it’s no one. no one can ever bring them together.  ’
‘  getting married is the bravest, most wonderful thing you can do because every day you come home and you’re just like, ‘what? it’s you! i love you! you’re my sexy roommate. we love each other.’  ’
‘  i am 100% certain that i am 0% sure of what i’m going to do.  ’
‘  my anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.  ’
‘  maybe we should find the person who stole your positive attitude.  ’
‘  scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. i believe i am that human being.  ’
‘  messy is fun, okay? my whole life is a giant mess and i love it.  ’
‘  friendship is better because friends help you move. they drive you to the airport. boyfriends just… love you and marry you.  ’
‘  i hope you brought a change of clothes cause your eyes are about to piss tears.  ’
‘  everything hurts and i’m dying.  ’

‘  i need you to text me every 30 seconds saying everything’s gonna be okay.  ’
‘  let me just say, from the bottom of my heart: my bad.  ’
‘  there are no consequences to my actions anymore. i’m like a white, male u.s. senator.  ’
‘  hey, are you busy? and writing star trek fan fiction does not count.  ’
‘  what do we…? like, what do we do? like, what do we do? um, how- how do we- how…? how… how… how? what do we do?!  ’
‘  oh, also, i have a little secret… i’m drunk.  ’
‘  i do say the cutest stuff.  ’
‘  i don’t want to cause a panic… news flash: we’re screwed!  ’
‘  velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. i’m a cashmere-velvet candy cane.  ’
‘  you shut your mouth! you have all the strengths!  ’
‘  never half-ass two things. whole-ass one thing.  ’
‘  i’m a simple man. i like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.  ’
‘  i guess i kind of hate most things, but i never really seem to hate you.  ’
‘  time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge. let’s go!  ’
‘  i have no idea what i’m doing, but i know i’m doing it really, really well.  ’
‘  ovaries before brovaries.  ’
‘  sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot.  ’
‘  i have never taken the high road, but i tell people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.  ’
‘  just remember, every time you look up at the moon, i, too, will be looking at a moon. not the same moon, obviously. that’s impossible.  ’
‘  i’m just gonna go live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.  ’
‘  i love games that turn people against each other.  ’
‘  i don’t care about that prize, but i’m gonna win because i want his happiness to go away.  ’
‘  that is the coolest sentence i have ever heard somebody talk.  ’
‘  i wanted to make fun of stupid people while i get drunk. my two true passions.  ’
‘  i am big enough to admit that i am often inspired by myself.  ’
‘  if i could go back in time and cut your eyeballs out, i would.  ’

dateaboysuggestions:

Date a boy who curls up on your lap, even though he is 6’ 2" because he loves cuddles

shitpostgenerator:

sometimes i scare the goverment